Saturday 19 January 2013

I Believe In You

(Re-blog from Thought Catalog. Beautifully written. Dedicated to you.)





Hey.


I believe in you.


Maybe you think no one does. Maybe you've been a disappointment so long you don't even remember what it was like to look up and see a light ahead, indicating a future full of love, happiness and goals. It's a never ending spiral ~ you made a mistake, people stopped believing in you, and then you resigned yourself to being a perpetual mess and stopped trying. You think no one believes in you or that you don't need someone to step up to the plate for you because you reject them before they can reject you. You don't need them, you think, but it's a reaction to feeling unneeded by others. You brush it off, laugh at the platitudes, steel yourself against anyone trying to breach the gates.


Everybody needs someone else to believe in them. You think you don't because you've been hurt before, because you left yourself open to wounding when you asked someone to believe in you. So you stopped and built a wall. You decided you needed no one. But it still hurts, doesn't it?


You're not happy. There are things you want that you don't pursue. You'd rather come up with excuses, or sabotage, or not try at all than try and fail, than to prove right what you think everyone believes about you and so what you believe about yourself. God forbid, you go out on another limb to move forward in life and it backfires. You don't think you'd be able to take it. It would only solidify what you think you already know about yourself: that you are worthless and nothing, that you'll never be the person you want to be.


You're wrong. You're so, so wrong. Whatever it is you want, you should go for it. You can do it. You'll face pitfalls and rejection, but I have no doubt you can accomplish whatever it is. Maybe you'll take some detours, but that's just life. That's what everyone has to do. Nothing is ever set in stone, as they say. Don't make excuses based on age or income or gender. Don't place your limits on yourself and then wallow in self-pity for things that are out of your control. Focus on what you do have power over. Use that to reach your goals.


And if not me, some stranger on the internet, how about you let someone in? Let that person who wants to love and believe in you break down your barriers. The comedian Mike Birbiglia describes "love" ad when someone else recognizes that special part of you that, no matter how low your self-esteem, still desperately hopes in there. When someone else see that in you, you feel invincible. But you can also be let down. Don't be afraid of letting someone belive in you. They must see something you don't quite yet see.


Or believe in yourself. If you don't think other people have faith in you, don't let it convince you that you are nothing. Have immense faith in yourself. Don't invent patterns where there aren't any. Don't lose hope that things can change at any moment. Don't resign yourself because others haven't believed in you or because you just haven't found what is it you're looking for. Especially if you're young. It's wasteful to start thinking like life is over before it's even really begun.


So there's some food for thought. And even if you don't need it, I'll tell you: Someone believes in you. I believe in you.



original source from here
picture from here

Saturday 5 January 2013

A Letter That Will Never Be Delivered.

Dear my best friend,


How are you? It's been a long time since the last time we met. I hate that time, when all I can saw is your hurting eyes, starring right through me. You barely talk, and the only pain I could taste is from your eyes, where all the tears seems trapped up there. I hate it, so much, when I have to see you that way. I hate that day, the last time we met. How are you, now? I miss you, my friend.


Do you remember the very first time we knew each other? Oh yes, I deeply hated you. You are a weird stranger who left me with all unexplained story and a big question mark in my head. I hate you for made me questioning. Do you remember when I madly text you intensely, furious enough to punch you in the face. I really, really, hated you. That's the first time I knew you. We met by chance, and turned into friends. After I knew you better, getting closer each and every day with you, that question mark is gone. You feed me with all the thoughts that haunted me before. And the most important thing is, you made me have faith. When we first met, I had no idea you would be so important to me. I hate that I love you for that, my friend. You made me believe, again.


Do you remember that you're so noisy around me? You sucks, my friend! You always tell me the same story over and over again. We had a billion long chat, instant messaging every single day, and not to mention every phone call you made to me if you getting your nerves. Well, I did the same thing, though. You are my trash bin also, for this life is getting complicated, and we both have to face the real life moment so called 'a quarter life's crisis'. You were there for me, as I always stood up for you.


When in pain, emotionally or -literally- physically, who's I ran into? It was you. When I desperately need a shoulder to lean on, you were there. I called you across the island when I had a nightmare with my love relationship. You're phone number is the first contact popped up in my mind when I get sick and nobody there to drop me to the hospital. You always ready to offer me a hand.


That kinda' remind me of the night when you 'kidnapped' me. You took me to that cafe and we talk all night long. You said that you want to tell me a story that never been told before. Nobody, not even anyone, ever knew that story, and you trusted me to hear that, me and I only. A very long stories about your life, begin from your childhood times until now. Your feelings, your hope, your family, your relationships, your faith, your pain, your dreams. You talked a lot for hoursssss. We even ordered food twice and drinks many times I don't even remember, until the cafe is about to closed. It's a long chat, and it's damn boring my friend! Feels like I am forced to read a thick biography books! 


But still, I know it's important for you too pulled it out from your mind. Besides, you are my best friend. You've been there when I need someone to talk, so I did the same. I just take it easy when after that long chat, you continue 'kidnapped' me driving aimlessly around the town, until midnight. We share our thoughts and silence in your car. Do you remember that? I can't help you with my 'wise words' that you want from me, I just hope you relieved with my company, that's all I can do for you, always beside you no matter how boring our conversation was, and no matter what.


You introduced me to melody that accompanied my lonely day, when I had my very first job. I was scared, a little girl in a big foreign city. I was alone. But I never felt empty. You were always there. We do this long-distance-relationship very well. You accompany me with the songs, the phone call, the dreams we share together intensely in our message chat. Do you remember when I gave you song in return? The title is "Count On Me" by Bruno Mars. I dedicated that song to you. :-)


Sometimes when you feel uncomfortable with the environments around, you came to me. You told me that I suit you best because we have a lot of things in common. We born from the same 'atmosphere', you said. That's why my place is where you feel the most comfortable zone in this city. Later then I realize, no wonder you eagerly want to have a future wife that belong to my circle, am I right? That may happened because you see something in me that you want to have. You don't want me anyway, you just desperately want the same comfort zone, a suitable person to marry with. Your adventure of finding love never stop, because you barely meet the perfect girl. Sometimes you feels like you want to give up. I told you to take a little rest, loosen up a little, but never lose hope. Because I know you have your quality. Any clever girl would easily falling for you, and if she does, I believe that she is a lucky girl. Because I believe in you, my friend.


I always thought that you always took an inspiration for me. Do you remember that you always want to go wherever I go? I want to study abroad, you want it too. My man want to working abroad after his master, you want it too. I told you I want to move from this city after I get married, you said you want to come after us, too! You're inspired every time I spill out my dreams. But now I think that YOU are my inspiration. You are one of the reason why I keep moving forward. I want to taste a successes with you. I want to show you if I could, and then you could do it, also.


When I scared to death -literally-, I always remembered your words to me. I could be a forgetful person many times, but I will never forget this, when once you had told me that we won't die this young. We talked about something I couldn't remember, but I can picture it clearly when you said it- you faithfully says; "Don't worry Ras, never be afraid, we won't die too soon. We still have a lot of tasks from our God to be done in this world, so, He won't made us die this young." Do you remember that, my friend? I always keep that in mind, and your words stuck in my head when sometimes I get scared of the thoughts of being dead. I raise again whenever I fall. You made me have faith, once again.


An odd thing occurs. I never told you about this. But did you know, that I can feel your heat when you and I are close to each other? I tell you a secret, it rarely happens. When a woman can feel a body heat of a man near them, it means that the man is comfortable with the woman. Okay, for exact words in the article I read, it said that it is a sign of a man likes you, so his heat is comes out over his body and the only one that can sense it is the woman he likes. Weird, isn't it??? I can feel your heat if you're close to me! Damn fucking weird. But I know you didn't like me that way. I knew it. I just think, maybe it happens because we feel comfortable near each other. If it's true, then I think it's kinda' sweet. What do you think? Oh, I know you never think that way, you're the most cold hearted guy on earth, haha!!


Do you remember when my man asked you, if someday something happen to him, you are the only one that he trusted to took care of me? You were that important to him, also.


Another odd thing. We have this weird relationship. Do you remember the time when you said to me that man and woman can't be a close friends? You told me, that kind of relationship is bullshit. No one can handle the intentions of desire, lust, and love when it comes to man and woman friendship. Unless, you told me, unless there is another intention in the relationship, but it usually doesn't get along well any longer, too. Either the business is over or it turn into lust eventually. Man and woman can't be a best-friend. BUT we can, can't we?? I clearly remember when you told me the other day that you never ever have a girl best friend like me. I smiled. I'm proud for being the one and only in your life.


You and I had prove that there always an exception in every case. We are the 1 amongst 1 zillion people on earth who can do this friendship. I will not lie, I do love you. But I love you in a sincere way, no further desire. Maybe you don't love me that much, maybe because you are heartless (to me) made a perfect reason why we can be best friend, maybe you don't care to me that much. I don't care. As long as we can have this friendship eternally, that's enough.






Not only good times. We've gone through bad times, too. Do you understand my behavior to you when I'm angry with you, my friend? You may not. You may not care, either. But I want to tell you this. I never put my mask in front of you. I can't be fake around you. So please don't take my silence for ignorance. If you feel I am really quiet, especially to you, that was because I actually really cared about you. I want you to finish this marathon of life independently. All I want is you, to be yourself, and happy.


What I love the most about you is, you once burn the flame inside me. You passionately share your dreams to me. Your heat makes me feel alive. I never felt that useful and powerful before. You made me have guts. You told me that money CAN buy us happiness, but money CAN'T buy you any guts.You made me believe. Did I said that you made me have faith? I will say it again. You made me have faith, the most precious important thing that someone could have.


You take me fly up high in the sky, but you also remind me to always step my foot on the ground. You remind me to never being attached with all the material things in this tiny world, because the lost can be really scary and hurt badly if you feel you 'own' something. It is better to own nothing but God inside, you said.


I'm sorry my friend, I failed in that one. Look at me now. This is my biggest flaws, my weakness when I love someone, when I feel that I 'have' you. I love you too much. I'm already getting attached to you.

But you went away......... How dare you..?! I miss you... They say I'll be OK, but I'm not ever get... over you.**


I cried my heart out. I sometimes even had you in my sleep, in my dream. Nobody would understand how much you meant to me, nobody would know how much I miss you, not even you. Is it too late for me now to say that you were this important to me? To say that you are very sucks and annoying, but I love you, still.


I do love you, my friend.


Please comeback soon... Burn the universe again with your heat! Carved our memories in your heart, and let's share our dreams together... Because I know, you're there. Forever, I will always pray for you.

Till' we meet again...

Love,
- Your one and only girl best friend -



 **Over You - Cassade Pope / Miranda Lambert






To: My Dear Bestfriend.

I can't give solutions to all of life's problems, doubts, or fears.
But I can listen to you, and together we will search for answers.

I can't change your past with all it's heartache and pain,
nor the future with it's untold stories.
But I can be there now when you need me to care.

I can't keep your feet from stumbling.
I can only offer my hand that you may grasp it and not fall.

Your joys, triumphs, successes, and happiness are not mine;
Yet I can share in your laughter.

Your decisions in life are not mine to make, nor to judge;
I can only support you, encourage you, and help you when you ask.

I can't prevent you from falling away from friendship, from your values, from me.....
I can only pray for you, talk to you, and wait for you.

I can't give you boundaries which I have determined for you,
But I can give you the room to change, room to grow, room to be yourself....

and...

I can't keep your heart from breaking and hurting,
But I can cry with you and help you pick up the pieces
and put them back in place.

I can't tell you who you are..
I can only love you and be your friend...

Your special, best friend, dear...

forever.....

:')



*re-blog from my old blog